You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Dating After Heartbreak
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm fucking your sister right now.