The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
