She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop