i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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