It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Did I show you my penis last night?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma