she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just saw a hot homeless man
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice