drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people