I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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