Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You're like the curious george of whores
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like