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two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
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