I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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