its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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