He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I told you penises don't tan
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his