Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
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We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
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85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?