She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I don't get it.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate