I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
