Texts From Last Night

deftone_sam's Favorites Texts:

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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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  (731): She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro http://tfl.nu/kq10
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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  (815): I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance http://tfl.nu/h8yt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

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  (610): Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love http://tfl.nu/hgdf
  Replies (86) Good night (7265) Bad night (1623) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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  (989): no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed". http://tfl.nu/dmqo
  Replies (16) Good night (6413) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
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  (772): View more from Florida

  So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.

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  (772): So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me. http://tfl.nu/5rwa
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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  (931): his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood http://tfl.nu/n403
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  You fucked her?! HER?!

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

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  (205): You fucked her?! HER?! (1-205): She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir. http://tfl.nu/jld9
  Replies (6) Good night (3465) Bad night (504)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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  (484): I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive. http://tfl.nu/gosk
  Replies (4) Good night (4185) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

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  (912): Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony http://tfl.nu/e5l6
  Replies (11) Good night (4145) Bad night (1252) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

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  (775): He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had. http://tfl.nu/a3aj
  Replies (13) Good night (3444) Bad night (1533) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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  (732): Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar http://tfl.nu/9kou
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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  (770): Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay. http://tfl.nu/tpqf
  Replies (25) Good night (5833) Bad night (625)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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  (+44): Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people. http://tfl.nu/uumz
  Replies (24) Good night (5867) Bad night (1038)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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  (301): I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked. http://tfl.nu/v26w
  Replies (13) Good night (3268) Bad night (856) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.

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  (905): I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out. http://tfl.nu/0m9y
  Replies (7) Good night (2288) Bad night (598)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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  (765): You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?" http://tfl.nu/g1nx
  Replies (21) Good night (1265) Bad night (3848) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

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  (608): do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life? http://tfl.nu/au0e
  Replies (13) Good night (5038) Bad night (922) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod

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  (256): I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod http://tfl.nu/7c05
  Replies (35) Good night (1051) Bad night (2998) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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  (541): blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best http://tfl.nu/qdc9
  Replies (17) Good night (3062) Bad night (740) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.

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  (973): i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex. http://tfl.nu/uspy
  Replies (13) Good night (2785) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up

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  (402): Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up http://tfl.nu/1eo4
  Replies (5) Good night (2953) Bad night (506) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?

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  (816): There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be? http://tfl.nu/l5gd
  Replies (9) Good night (1767) Bad night (706) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother

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  (561): As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother http://tfl.nu/1acl
  Replies (21) Good night (2115) Bad night (460) Order T-Shirt
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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  (308): What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts? http://tfl.nu/w182
  Replies (21) Good night (8705) Bad night (915) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.

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  (309): I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar. http://tfl.nu/nec2
  Replies (8) Good night (3496) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  bitch so ugly she owes me an erection

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  (919): bitch so ugly she owes me an erection http://tfl.nu/ldn1
  Replies (29) Good night (701) Bad night (4600) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?

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  (818): On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now? http://tfl.nu/j4yz
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Are you high?

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  (630): Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"? (1-630): Are you high? http://tfl.nu/3xxd
  Replies (21) Good night (6439) Bad night (978) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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  (412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue
  Replies (51) Good night (2124) Bad night (13593)
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  (650): View more from California

  This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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  (650): This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case" http://tfl.nu/fgo6
  Replies (12) Good night (6414) Bad night (735) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.

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  (267): Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go. http://tfl.nu/5urf
  Replies (26) Good night (1539) Bad night (3748) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??

  (630): View more from Illinois

  savin' lives aint cheap

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  (973): haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance?? (630): savin' lives aint cheap http://tfl.nu/eb5j
  Replies (23) Good night (1575) Bad night (485)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  Please tell me how you discovered this.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I was looking in the mirror snooping around

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  (440): I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora (1-440): Please tell me how you discovered this. (440): I was looking in the mirror snooping around<p></p> http://tfl.nu/7aua
  Replies (14) Good night (1484) Bad night (535)
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  (661): View more from California

  Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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  (661): Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me. http://tfl.nu/1wv6
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

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  (606): I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it http://tfl.nu/8mat
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  thus making me awesome and them whores

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  (216): thus making me awesome and them whores http://tfl.nu/kdn8
  Replies (14) Good night (3155) Bad night (543) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him

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  (281): I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him http://tfl.nu/1o2o
  Replies (2) Good night (1026) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.

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  (306): I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help. http://tfl.nu/3amb
  Replies (29) Good night (543) Bad night (3708)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about

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  (330): apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about http://tfl.nu/0nal
  Replies (12) Good night (5307) Bad night (1109) Order T-Shirt
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals

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  (660): i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals http://tfl.nu/iisz
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

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  (703): The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten. http://tfl.nu/8y7f
  Replies (21) Good night (5915) Bad night (1691) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I'm in love with you.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  huh?

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.

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  (860): I'm in love with you. (1-860): huh? (860): Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it. http://tfl.nu/in9v
  Replies (14) Good night (3052) Bad night (644)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.

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  (248): I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk. http://tfl.nu/wafm
  Replies (15) Good night (5099) Bad night (932) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.

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  (516): Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it. http://tfl.nu/st29
  Replies (22) Good night (3973) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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  (910): it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!' http://tfl.nu/7tsr
  Replies (24) Good night (10432) Bad night (626)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here

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  (757): I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here http://tfl.nu/86vy
  Replies (4) Good night (1800) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.

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  (828): Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes. http://tfl.nu/k70t
  Replies (9) Good night (1548) Bad night (1164) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her

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  (208): She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her http://tfl.nu/p4cv
  Replies (22) Good night (634) Bad night (2004) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

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  (503): I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it" http://tfl.nu/ynj0
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
  Replies (55) Good night (15886) Bad night (1248)