We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming