I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
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All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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