Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So much rum. So many feels.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I didn't notice because vodka
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint