We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Wow word travels fast.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.