Texts From Last Night

christylob's Favorites Texts:

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  (404): View more from Georgia

  We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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  (404): We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned. http://tfl.nu/3qtb
  Replies (6) Good night (5509) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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  (520): He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep. http://tfl.nu/tjlf
  Replies (15) Good night (6821) Bad night (920) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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  (910): Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically. http://tfl.nu/2hl3
  Replies (33) Good night (3993) Bad night (762) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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  (305): After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it. http://tfl.nu/111s
  Replies (31) Good night (3716) Bad night (1294) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

  (1-305): View more from Florida

  lets call myth busters

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  (305): i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot (1-305): lets call myth busters http://tfl.nu/n34m
  Replies (23) Good night (6216) Bad night (1330) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
  Replies (32) Good night (17635) Bad night (1201)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.

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  (973): i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones. http://tfl.nu/f4fy
  Replies (25) Good night (4723) Bad night (679) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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  (253): Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack. (1-253): What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited http://tfl.nu/n0ma
  Replies (13) Good night (5294) Bad night (905)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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  (513): she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead." http://tfl.nu/j1dy
  Replies (34) Good night (5271) Bad night (1179) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

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  (913): I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?! http://tfl.nu/fugu
  Replies (67) Good night (1802) Bad night (4439) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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  (570): i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something http://tfl.nu/ax1a
  Replies (28) Good night (7512) Bad night (1619) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

  (425): View more from Washington

  Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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  (206): The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies... (425): Let's let the open bar be the judge of that. http://tfl.nu/ch8t
  Replies (7) Good night (5656) Bad night (867)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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  (941): CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES. http://tfl.nu/rhol
  Replies (32) Good night (1515) Bad night (6844) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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  (604): when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible. http://tfl.nu/pxku
  Replies (19) Good night (4641) Bad night (1166) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

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  (512): He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests. http://tfl.nu/eem8
  Replies (20) Good night (1872) Bad night (4877) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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  (501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog. http://tfl.nu/8mg1
  Replies (18) Good night (10049) Bad night (1681) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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  (509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw
  Replies (14) Good night (1282) Bad night (5475) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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  (443): Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon http://tfl.nu/pfsh
  Replies (18) Good night (4530) Bad night (1302) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.

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  (702): Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog. http://tfl.nu/spgx
  Replies (8) Good night (926) Bad night (5091) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

  (1-310): View more from California

  you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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  (310): thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee! (1-310): you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right? http://tfl.nu/vyk6
  Replies (30) Good night (11632) Bad night (1093) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
  Replies (22) Good night (14711) Bad night (1087)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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  (404): They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans. http://tfl.nu/hk9w
  Replies (14) Good night (7158) Bad night (817) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
  Replies (94) Good night (20335) Bad night (1714)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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  (913): I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady." http://tfl.nu/ftym
  Replies (11) Good night (6153) Bad night (928) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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  (917): your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin? http://tfl.nu/252o
  Replies (16) Good night (3867) Bad night (1923)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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  (785): Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox http://tfl.nu/t30w
  Replies (38) Good night (8271) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  the part where you beat me to him

  (410): View more from Maryland

  fair enough.

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  (410): what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?! (1-410): the part where you beat me to him (410): fair enough. http://tfl.nu/4y3l
  Replies (18) Good night (7520) Bad night (994)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

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  (603): Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now? http://tfl.nu/rq4w
  Replies (17) Good night (2106) Bad night (3248) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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  (972): You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.' http://tfl.nu/1grt
  Replies (22) Good night (2148) Bad night (4354) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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  (214): She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca http://tfl.nu/k60q
  Replies (19) Good night (1229) Bad night (6797) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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  (530): As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before. http://tfl.nu/b7oy
  Replies (22) Good night (13984) Bad night (937) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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  (415): dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint. http://tfl.nu/divk
  Replies (25) Good night (9054) Bad night (1059)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.

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  (207): Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you. http://tfl.nu/tfuz
  Replies (5) Good night (5147) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51672) Bad night (2294)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

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  (765): I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work. http://tfl.nu/q42i
  Replies (33) Good night (5767) Bad night (2768) Order T-Shirt
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  (943): View more from

  You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

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  (943): You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka http://tfl.nu/wlgo
  Replies (10) Good night (5316) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.

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  (312): Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita. http://tfl.nu/kc15
  Replies (6) Good night (2479) Bad night (1003) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Anal astronaut?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Wow word travels fast.

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  (732): Anal astronaut? (847): Wow word travels fast. http://tfl.nu/to7g
  Replies (2) Good night (2330) Bad night (662)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
  Replies (71) Good night (25794) Bad night (1226) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

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  (704): you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!" http://tfl.nu/9nr0
  Replies (19) Good night (6313) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

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  (817): I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding? http://tfl.nu/zuv6
  Replies (29) Good night (4645) Bad night (2116) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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  (509): She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after http://tfl.nu/tns7
  Replies (39) Good night (14441) Bad night (925) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

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  (403): we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now. http://tfl.nu/goi4
  Replies (16) Good night (5608) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
  Replies (26) Good night (17307) Bad night (1083) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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  (858): in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby" http://tfl.nu/q8vs
  Replies (54) Good night (1840) Bad night (4562) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America

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  (615): I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America http://tfl.nu/yesg
  Replies (20) Good night (4096) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Update, its a couple

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  (402): On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho. (402): Update, its a couple http://tfl.nu/mrbp
  Replies (16) Good night (6551) Bad night (930)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium

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  (717): dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium http://tfl.nu/wa3w
  Replies (20) Good night (5159) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston, we have a problem

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  where are u?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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  (617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6
  Replies (44) Good night (14944) Bad night (1278)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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  (775): So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again. http://tfl.nu/ocrt
  Replies (67) Good night (8023) Bad night (2190)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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  (817): you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit. http://tfl.nu/6hvl
  Replies (30) Good night (953) Bad night (8419) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well

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  (412): At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well http://tfl.nu/es2k
  Replies (7) Good night (3861) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
  Replies (28) Good night (16369) Bad night (1225) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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  (403): Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me. http://tfl.nu/6qnx
  Replies (23) Good night (11155) Bad night (1007) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.

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  (251): So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night. http://tfl.nu/7pk1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
  Replies (45) Good night (14681) Bad night (1682)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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  (904): I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox http://tfl.nu/xijk
  Replies (15) Good night (3438) Bad night (1223) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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  (612): He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle http://tfl.nu/2q09
  Replies (13) Good night (1027) Bad night (3564) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

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  (775): Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again? http://tfl.nu/oao4
  Replies (20) Good night (969) Bad night (7395)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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