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the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
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