it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.