so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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