I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Liz is crying about burritos again.