I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
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I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree