In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.