Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
