i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.