im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
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Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?