So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?