Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking your sister right now.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.