A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient