I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
