An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we're chasing vodka with high fives
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.