I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
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She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Deaf chicks here I come
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.