My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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