I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
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he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
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Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more