Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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