I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i think i have two assholes
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.