It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative