I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
