Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor