yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
