i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip