my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.