Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet