I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
