You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
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Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
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We need to rekindle our bromance
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He kissed a someone with a penis
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks