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I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
sarcasm needs its own font
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
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