There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it