I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"