I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.