you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry