Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
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This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole